Not in the mood for a parade

Many people on Facebook and Twitter posted that they were going to go for a run today in solidarity for those who were injured or killed in the Boston Marathon bombings yesterday.  As I am a runner and part of the running community,with a heavy heart and so many conflicting thoughts,  I decided to don my runners and go on the treadmill for 5 km.  At first it felt right, I was joining my community is their healing thoughts and ran knowing that we runners will not be silenced or stopped.  Then it felt very wrong.  Shouldn't we not run today in honor of those who can no longer run?

I like running in road races.  Signing up for one forces me to exercise and keep up my discipline and motivation to stay healthy and fit. By staying driven, I stay sane and calm as well.  I feel that I am a better parent and wife.  I have more tolerance and less frustration of the little things that usually push my buttons.

I like races because I know that I am a strong runner and I like to see how I compare to other women my age (not only am I driven, I admit I am also somewhat competitive).

I like races because even though each year I get older, I am staying just as fast, so it keeps me feeling young.    Though post race recuperation time and injury occurrence do betray my true age.

I like road races because I feel like I am in a parade.  There are spectators clapping and waving to you.  You wave back to strangers.  There is music, smiles, camaraderie.  There are bands and posters.  And at the end, you get a medal!  There are photos and post race commentaries with other runners.

All of this is for me.  For my health, my sanity, my self-esteem.  Sure it is also good role modeling for my family but in essence I run for me.

I can't imagine doing all this for selfish gains, having a bomb go off, lose my leg or worse my life, have my child killed or maimed and have my running affect the rest of my family in such a horrendous way.  I know it would not be my fault, but I can imagine feeling that I had put my family in danger because I wanted to have the bragging rights of running in a road race.

I am signed up for the Toronto Women's Half Marathon at the end of May.  Right now though, I am not in a mood for a parade.

That is how I feel today.  I don't know how I will feel tomorrow.